What a difference a year makes

This past Saturday marked a year (being the Saturday after Thanksiving) since my miscarriage. Bobby was actually the one that reminded me, but not in a bad way. We are both just amazed at how fast that time has flown by and how different things are now. 

In the moment, I was devastated and could not believe it was happening to us. I cried for days on end, wondering when I was going to really be able to handle thinking about the occurrence without needing a box of tissues by my side. 

Now, I'm a mother of two beautiful girls that I could not imagine life without. 

I know that this is what was meant to be. God has his plan and while I thought I was never going to be able to endure the pain that the miscarriage brought, I made it through and know that it happened for a reason. 

These girls are my world. Through the good days and the bad, I wouldn't want it any other way. 

Jordan and Brynnlee, I am so honored, proud, and blessed that God chose me to be your mama. I am the luckiest! And to my Angel Baby - you will never be forgotten and I know you will be there waiting for us in Heaven when our time comes. 

XOXO

Catch Up

Don't lose hope!! I still have aspirations for updating this once a week. Or at least more than I have been. 

So, to catch up from where we left off, my miscarriage was definitely a roller coaster ride. One day I would feel fine and like I was getting past it and the next, I would be a complete mess. Thoughts of having to wait a cycle to try again and then Bobby being out of town during my fertile window in January would spin and spin and spin in my head. If February was then the next month that we would have a chance of conceiving, then the kids would have the same birth month and would be 2 years apart. So much for the 18 months I was hoping for. I didn't want them to be that far apart. I wanted them to be close. The negativity was emitting from my every pore. It was hard to turn my thoughts around. 

All of that was put behind me during my ultrasound. Dr. B looked around, so everything looked good and my lining looked perfect. So, my next question was....Do I really have to wait a cycle?....He said NO!! I'm pretty sure my smile was bigger than big. I was so relieved. In the days following, I started to have a few doubts about possibly getting pregnant back to back and if that would make my chances of miscarriage higher, but ultimately, it felt right. 

Now, before I jump too far ahead and finish on this topic, the next big event in our lives was Christmas. I haven't mentioned this yet, but our house has been on the market since the weekend after Thanksgiving. We had found another house that was a short sale and put an offer with the mindset that what is meant to be, would be. Soooooo, long story short, we put our house on the market and ended up accepting an offer that is contingent on us finding appropriate housing within so many days. Our offer was accepted by the sellers on the other house, but after the lien holders had their appraisal done, they concluded that the house was worth more and would not accept our offer as it was. Bobby and I discussed and discussed and came to the conclusion that we really couldn't afford to increase our offer at all. So that ended that. We have still be looking at other places to see if anything sparks our interest since we have people on the hook to buy our house, but everything we find is just not perfect enough to make us move. The contract on our house has actually expired as of Sunday, but we're confident that the buyers would still be interested in the near future if we were to find something. The point to all of this is to explain that we never decorated the house for the Holidays because of everything else we had going on and we thought it would be best not to since we were showing it pretty consistently. Now, without further ado,  here are a few snap shots from our family Christmas at home and then our trip up to my mom's.

Our California Christmas Tree

 Jordan opening one of her "prizes"

Cousin JP pushing Jordan in a toy stroller

 Jordan playing in Grandma's front yard

 Our sleepy family on Christmas morning

 Jordan with another Christmas prize

 Jordan in her pretty Christmas dress

 The day after Christmas at the park

 First taste of sand - oh joy!

Bobby and I took the off the week in between Christmas and New Years and we enjoyed lots of lazy family time. It was great, but of course it went by waaaaaay too fast. On the Thursday of that week, I finally broke down and took a pregnancy test. I was only 10 days past ovulation (DPO), to my best estimation without temping, so I knew it was early, but after staring at this stick for about 20 minutes, I was pretty confident that I wasn't imagining the faintest of faint lines. Something was definitely there. Do you see it?

 I knew that Bobby would give me a major side eye if I showed him this test and told him I was pregnant, so I tested probably three more times that day, but the line barely got any darker if at all. I knew the next morning would be my best bet, so I refrained from telling Bobby anything and test the next morning, December 30th (my Dad's birthday - love you dad), at 11DPO and here are those result(s)! Still faint, but definitely there. 

 After these tests, I was comfortable letting Bobby in on the secret and I was then able to get in for my first Beta draw that day around 11. The count ended up being 27. This means nothing by itself. The true test is to make sure that this number doubles within 48 to 72 hours. My next draw technically should have been on Sunday (two days after the first), but the office and the labs are not open on Sundays. Monday was then a holiday, so I had to wait till the fourth day to have my second draw done and that came back at 170. I'm not going to lie, I wish the numbers were higher, that would give me just one extra thing on my side to reassure me that this is a viable pregnancy, but when it comes down to it, these numbers are just fine. They double enough in the time in between. My next step will be for my first appointment and ultrasound on January 18th. The time is crawling until then. Being pregnant is one thing, but being pregnant after a loss is such a tough test of keeping your head on straight. Every little symptom is analyzed to the umpteenth degree and you can't help but worry that you're going to lose another baby. New Years Day was a huge reassurance that this babe was snuggling in and making his/herself at home. I was so nauseous all day and while I felt horrible, it was such a good reminder that I was pregnant and the baby was thriving. Well, I had another few days of a so so stomach and now, it's totally gone. I feel fine. The only symptoms I occasionally have (and wonder if they are related or I'm just making it up) are headaches, heartburn and frequent urination. Thank goodness I loaded up on internet cheapie Wondfos (pregnancy tests) because the only thing that seems to really put me at ease -for a few hours - is to see that pink line get darker and darker. I am embarrassed to admit how many tests I have taken. As of yesterday, I have two left to last me till my ultrasound. To show you where I was at yesterday at 23DPO...... 

!!!!!! LOVE

I'm really trying to focus on the fact that "today, I am pregnant and I love my baby". Stressing isn't going to do any good, so I might as well enjoy it in the moment and hope for the best. I have about 6 and a half more days to get through and then I'm sure I will be a nervous wreck about not being able to find a heartbeat or seeing that the babe stopped growing, but hopefully I will have fabulous news to report. 

Now, back to our beautiful little girl.......she just hit the 14 month mark! My goodness, it is insane how much she is talking and understanding nowadays. Everyone that spends an extended amount of time with her comments on how smart she is. We're definitely proud parents. We moved her out of her infant carseat the weekend of Christmas - she spent 13 months in that thing. I can't believe it! She love love LOVES her milk. So much so that I finally decide to convert her to whole cows milk instead of the goats milk. It was getting so expensive. She consistently sleeps from 7pm to about 6am and if, on the rare occasion, she wakes in the middle of the night, we can count on her to get herself back to sleep within 10 to 15 minutes. She's been doing this since about 6 or 7 months and it is AWESOME! She has  about 4 1/4 teeth. The top two finally popped out a few days before Christmas and a couple days after Christmas, I noticed that she was getting her bottom left incisor as well. It doesn't seem to be bugging her at all, but it seems to be taking it's sweet time to really grow in. 

Since I've already written a novel, I'll end it here and leave you with a list of the words (that I can remember) that she can say now - in no particular order:

Mama

Dada

Nana

Doodoo (her name for our dog Snickers)

Yoos (shoes)

Bi-let (Violet - her dog)

Tella (Stella - her lovie in her crib)

Almo (Elmo)

Aminal (animal)

Burr (bear)

Hat

Cat

Dah (dog)

Eat

Chee (Cheese)

Hi

Bye Bye

Ball

Baby

Book

Mana (banana)

Apple

Urkey (turkey)

Tatter (cracker)

Molk (milk)

Awa (water)

Amanos (vamanos)

Eyes

Ear

Seat

Achoo

Beshew (bless you)

Tattoo

Yetel (freckle)

Yight (light)

Titten (chicken)

Two Weeks and Two Failures

I have already managed to let two weeks go by without another post. That's horrible and considered failure #1. I had planned on doing a post or two of summary updates on Jordan, but before I do that, I need to get failure #2 off my chest.


This passed Saturday, Bobby and I lost our second little miracle. I had had a dream Friday night that I started bleeding. I didn't think too much of it when I woke up the next morning, but I was relieved to see there was nothing there when I went to the bathroom. Bobby went off to play golf and I was ready to go out for a pedicure and do some shopping by myself when he got home. Boy, was I mistaken! Instead, he came home, I briefly told him about my dream and about five minutes later, he said that I looked uncomfortable. I had started cramping a little bit, but nothing that had me concerned......then I felt it. It was like something released. I went straight to the bathroom and seconds later, the toilet was full of blood. I knew rigth away that it was over. This wasn't normal.


Long story short, I started passing all kinds of clots and knew exactly when I had actually passed the baby. I felt it come out and seeing it in the toilet was probably the most terrifying, yet interesting thing that I have ever seen. I wasn't really quite sure what I wanted to do. Do I really want to fish this thing out and inspect it to see how truly amazing the formation of Life is, or do I just flush it and know that I will find peace in not knowing what it really looked like? I chose to flush it.


It's been a rough road. Every trip to the bathroom is a constant reminder of our loss and at times, it still does not feel real. I miss that baby and I will forever hold a place in my heart for him/her. Six days out, the bleeding has really died down and I am feeling quite a bit better mentally. I'm sure it will be a rollercoaster ride of emotions for quite some time, I am just ready for it to be behind us so that we can move forward in our journey of trying to conceive again.


I go in next Wednesday for an ultrasound to make sure that my body has gotten rid of everything and to be sure that all is well in the Land of Jenni's Uterus. I have my fingers crossed that Dr. B will allow us to try again right away, but more than likely we will have to sit on the sidelines for one cycle. *Sigh*