Two Weeks and Two Failures

I have already managed to let two weeks go by without another post. That's horrible and considered failure #1. I had planned on doing a post or two of summary updates on Jordan, but before I do that, I need to get failure #2 off my chest.


This passed Saturday, Bobby and I lost our second little miracle. I had had a dream Friday night that I started bleeding. I didn't think too much of it when I woke up the next morning, but I was relieved to see there was nothing there when I went to the bathroom. Bobby went off to play golf and I was ready to go out for a pedicure and do some shopping by myself when he got home. Boy, was I mistaken! Instead, he came home, I briefly told him about my dream and about five minutes later, he said that I looked uncomfortable. I had started cramping a little bit, but nothing that had me concerned......then I felt it. It was like something released. I went straight to the bathroom and seconds later, the toilet was full of blood. I knew rigth away that it was over. This wasn't normal.


Long story short, I started passing all kinds of clots and knew exactly when I had actually passed the baby. I felt it come out and seeing it in the toilet was probably the most terrifying, yet interesting thing that I have ever seen. I wasn't really quite sure what I wanted to do. Do I really want to fish this thing out and inspect it to see how truly amazing the formation of Life is, or do I just flush it and know that I will find peace in not knowing what it really looked like? I chose to flush it.


It's been a rough road. Every trip to the bathroom is a constant reminder of our loss and at times, it still does not feel real. I miss that baby and I will forever hold a place in my heart for him/her. Six days out, the bleeding has really died down and I am feeling quite a bit better mentally. I'm sure it will be a rollercoaster ride of emotions for quite some time, I am just ready for it to be behind us so that we can move forward in our journey of trying to conceive again.


I go in next Wednesday for an ultrasound to make sure that my body has gotten rid of everything and to be sure that all is well in the Land of Jenni's Uterus. I have my fingers crossed that Dr. B will allow us to try again right away, but more than likely we will have to sit on the sidelines for one cycle. *Sigh*